Questions

You ever wonder where things like drive, self-discipline , confidence, etc. come from? Like how is it that some people have it in spades and others have absolutely none. The assumption would have to be that it is nature or nurture, right? That someone instills it in you or you are just born with it. But can you be born with an aversion to those types of qualities? I have said/expressed a few times that I was raised to believe in my self. Not that I was always given positive feedback about my abilities, intellect, or appearance, but the majority of what I can recall was positive and still is. Why then, do I have days like today (June 17, 2011) where I feel like I am so much less then I felt yesterday?
The first thing that comes to mind is at eleven-something last night my boyfriend got up and went to bed - because he has to get up early - while I was on the phone with a friend who was having a hard time, only to be laying there having a text conversation with a female. So I went to bed feeling...? Slightly betrayed, I guess. I literally fell asleep think how inappropriate it is to be talking to someone of the opposite sex that late, how would he feel if I was doing the same, and was I making unfounded assumptions. I woke up feeling suspicious of his actions and like considering how long we've been together and my unset of PMS (coupled with some bouts with clinical depression) that we have probably reached the point where he starts to realize that I'm not so great. It seems to happen around the year mark, when the great things about my personality start to get overshadowed by my issues, i.e. lack of self-esteem, constant need for reassurance, and inability to trust. Which has lead me to wonder about the question I posed at the start of this entry. How is it that for everything I do have that my self and most people find to be admirable qualities, I have the self-esteem of a 400lb person bed bound, with acne and acne scars, and unsightly teeth.
Why was I doing so well before I got into a serious relationship and now I'm back where I started? Is it the lack of having someone that makes it easier to cope? Does being in a relationship, i.e. having something to lose, make you question the weapons you have to fight with? Seems I have more questions than I do answers these days. By now I would have thought my way through to some type of solution, would have figured out some way to make me feel better, lately writing through my issues and emotions has on left me with tears and feeling very empty. Today is no different and I am left with a question I thought I had answered almost two years ago. How do I get back to being that Tosha I am capable of being?