Why do people cheat?
I have heard lots of answers to this: men are genetically engineered that way, monogamy isn't natural, we are the only mammals on the planet that do monogamy and that can't be right. "My partner doesn't satisfy my needs/taste/freaky side! WTF ever!!! The reason people cheat is because we are selfish creatures. We will not and do not consider other people's feelings before our own. If we stopped for a moment to consider how we would feel if the person we love, respect, and would do anything for tap danced all over our feeling, some -not all - but some of us wouldn't commit to the act of cheating. As a matter of fact, I believe that if we stopped and thought about how we would feel if the person we are in a relationship with was doing the exact thing(s) we are doing, in the moment in which we are doing it, we wouldn't do a lot of hurtful shit. Like have phone/text conversations at inappropriate hours with persons of the opposite sex that are NOT family. We wouldn't flirt with people we are attracted to when our significant other is not around.
Now that I think about it, if we acted like our girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse was watching us at all times we would be better girlfriends/boyfriends/spouses all together!
And don't give me that..."I just wanna let my hair down/let loose sometimes BULLSHIT! Because in all honesty if your relationship is built on the right foundation, then your "boo" should be one of your closest friends anyway. Meaning that you should be able to have fun and be yourself in their presence. But if that self, is a selfish asshole who flirts with anything and everything then you probably shouldn't be in a relationship any-damn-way.
Ideally, when you are in a relationship your behavior should change anyway, so the "single-life" lifestyle and activities need to be laid to REST! So with or without your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse around you should be acting the same or very similar!
Personally, I would prefer that if you meet someone is that is better than me in anyway, to a degree that you give this person that much of your time and energy then just let me know and you can go be with that person. But this "have my cake and eat it too" situation is NOT gonna work. If I'm not doing something or giving you something that you NEED, either let me know and give me the chance to try or leave me be. But don't cheat or hurt my feelings or damage my self-esteem, and give me trust issues because you aren't a decent enough person to consider my feelings; by breaking up with me before you get emotionally involved with another individual, and crushing what I believed to be was my "happy world."
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Questions
You ever wonder where things like drive, self-discipline , confidence, etc. come from? Like how is it that some people have it in spades and others have absolutely none. The assumption would have to be that it is nature or nurture, right? That someone instills it in you or you are just born with it. But can you be born with an aversion to those types of qualities? I have said/expressed a few times that I was raised to believe in my self. Not that I was always given positive feedback about my abilities, intellect, or appearance, but the majority of what I can recall was positive and still is. Why then, do I have days like today (June 17, 2011) where I feel like I am so much less then I felt yesterday?
The first thing that comes to mind is at eleven-something last night my boyfriend got up and went to bed - because he has to get up early - while I was on the phone with a friend who was having a hard time, only to be laying there having a text conversation with a female. So I went to bed feeling...? Slightly betrayed, I guess. I literally fell asleep think how inappropriate it is to be talking to someone of the opposite sex that late, how would he feel if I was doing the same, and was I making unfounded assumptions. I woke up feeling suspicious of his actions and like considering how long we've been together and my unset of PMS (coupled with some bouts with clinical depression) that we have probably reached the point where he starts to realize that I'm not so great. It seems to happen around the year mark, when the great things about my personality start to get overshadowed by my issues, i.e. lack of self-esteem, constant need for reassurance, and inability to trust. Which has lead me to wonder about the question I posed at the start of this entry. How is it that for everything I do have that my self and most people find to be admirable qualities, I have the self-esteem of a 400lb person bed bound, with acne and acne scars, and unsightly teeth.
Why was I doing so well before I got into a serious relationship and now I'm back where I started? Is it the lack of having someone that makes it easier to cope? Does being in a relationship, i.e. having something to lose, make you question the weapons you have to fight with? Seems I have more questions than I do answers these days. By now I would have thought my way through to some type of solution, would have figured out some way to make me feel better, lately writing through my issues and emotions has on left me with tears and feeling very empty. Today is no different and I am left with a question I thought I had answered almost two years ago. How do I get back to being that Tosha I am capable of being?
The first thing that comes to mind is at eleven-something last night my boyfriend got up and went to bed - because he has to get up early - while I was on the phone with a friend who was having a hard time, only to be laying there having a text conversation with a female. So I went to bed feeling...? Slightly betrayed, I guess. I literally fell asleep think how inappropriate it is to be talking to someone of the opposite sex that late, how would he feel if I was doing the same, and was I making unfounded assumptions. I woke up feeling suspicious of his actions and like considering how long we've been together and my unset of PMS (coupled with some bouts with clinical depression) that we have probably reached the point where he starts to realize that I'm not so great. It seems to happen around the year mark, when the great things about my personality start to get overshadowed by my issues, i.e. lack of self-esteem, constant need for reassurance, and inability to trust. Which has lead me to wonder about the question I posed at the start of this entry. How is it that for everything I do have that my self and most people find to be admirable qualities, I have the self-esteem of a 400lb person bed bound, with acne and acne scars, and unsightly teeth.
Why was I doing so well before I got into a serious relationship and now I'm back where I started? Is it the lack of having someone that makes it easier to cope? Does being in a relationship, i.e. having something to lose, make you question the weapons you have to fight with? Seems I have more questions than I do answers these days. By now I would have thought my way through to some type of solution, would have figured out some way to make me feel better, lately writing through my issues and emotions has on left me with tears and feeling very empty. Today is no different and I am left with a question I thought I had answered almost two years ago. How do I get back to being that Tosha I am capable of being?
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Love Will NEVER Be Enough
You know what I think causes people, girls in particular, to harden themselves or to become guarded?
The fact that they loved someone with all the had; trusted that the person they loved, loved them for who they are (were) and for what they had to give and it turned out that....it wasn't enough. Maybe they loved to easily or weren't good judges of character but that doesn't change the facts or their belief, that if the person liked them as person and they were loving and accepting in return, that they never should have been hurt. The person who claimed to have loved them shouldn't have lied to them, whether by direct lying, omission or half-truths.
Love really and truly isn't enough! There has to be equal parts love, respect, and concern for the other person's feelings for a relationship to work. That's probably why people that are friends first end up in lasting relationships. We are a lot less inclined to hurt our friends because we have gotten to know them enough that we care deeply about their feelings and we also know the things that would be considered hurtful to them. Love all by itself isn't enough!
That's part of what helps build those feelings of doubt and insecurity; the knowing that you can give a person your whole heart and some times without a moments pause they will do things that shatter it to dust. We care so little about the person we are in a relationships with feelings. We hardly ever stop to think how we would feel on the receiving end of what we are about to do, and that's why love isn't enough! There has to be a willingness that becomes almost instinctual to put the person's feelings before our own for it to last, for it to work. If that isn't the case then it isn't real, it's just not! So there it is, my standard of measurement for knowing if I'm ready to go all in, at least one measurement. I have to have other measurements because, I'm someone who knows it is possible to love someone with every fiber of your being without the barest hint that they even give a damn about you as human being. I give that consideration naturally. Because I know pain, real soul bleeding pain, the kind that when your heart breaks it literally physically takes your breath away. The kind of pain that has you forgetting when you last ate. The kind of pain that turns you into an empty shell, going through routine motions.
I truly hope I would never cause anyone even a tenth of that pain, but I did. And at times I still try to justify it but the truth is, I only considered his feelings as an after thought. Nothing was ever more important than my own feelings, in both family and non-family relationships, which made me a beyond selfish ass person. With that understanding I have never again and I will make ever attempt to never again do that, but what does it mean for my ability to believe in lasting love? Are my scars too deep? Does not knowing or having witnessed a single marriage that has not been infected by infidelity make me a un-trusting, cynical, once upon a time hopeless romantic who will never truly FALL in love again? Will my insecurities always plague me? Will I ever be loved the way I was once capable of loving or be capable of loving that way again?
I would love and cherish answers to these questions.
The fact that they loved someone with all the had; trusted that the person they loved, loved them for who they are (were) and for what they had to give and it turned out that....it wasn't enough. Maybe they loved to easily or weren't good judges of character but that doesn't change the facts or their belief, that if the person liked them as person and they were loving and accepting in return, that they never should have been hurt. The person who claimed to have loved them shouldn't have lied to them, whether by direct lying, omission or half-truths.
Love really and truly isn't enough! There has to be equal parts love, respect, and concern for the other person's feelings for a relationship to work. That's probably why people that are friends first end up in lasting relationships. We are a lot less inclined to hurt our friends because we have gotten to know them enough that we care deeply about their feelings and we also know the things that would be considered hurtful to them. Love all by itself isn't enough!
That's part of what helps build those feelings of doubt and insecurity; the knowing that you can give a person your whole heart and some times without a moments pause they will do things that shatter it to dust. We care so little about the person we are in a relationships with feelings. We hardly ever stop to think how we would feel on the receiving end of what we are about to do, and that's why love isn't enough! There has to be a willingness that becomes almost instinctual to put the person's feelings before our own for it to last, for it to work. If that isn't the case then it isn't real, it's just not! So there it is, my standard of measurement for knowing if I'm ready to go all in, at least one measurement. I have to have other measurements because, I'm someone who knows it is possible to love someone with every fiber of your being without the barest hint that they even give a damn about you as human being. I give that consideration naturally. Because I know pain, real soul bleeding pain, the kind that when your heart breaks it literally physically takes your breath away. The kind of pain that has you forgetting when you last ate. The kind of pain that turns you into an empty shell, going through routine motions.
I truly hope I would never cause anyone even a tenth of that pain, but I did. And at times I still try to justify it but the truth is, I only considered his feelings as an after thought. Nothing was ever more important than my own feelings, in both family and non-family relationships, which made me a beyond selfish ass person. With that understanding I have never again and I will make ever attempt to never again do that, but what does it mean for my ability to believe in lasting love? Are my scars too deep? Does not knowing or having witnessed a single marriage that has not been infected by infidelity make me a un-trusting, cynical, once upon a time hopeless romantic who will never truly FALL in love again? Will my insecurities always plague me? Will I ever be loved the way I was once capable of loving or be capable of loving that way again?
I would love and cherish answers to these questions.
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