Changing

One of the major changes in my life is that I am celibate, fourteen (14) months and counting. It is a commitment that I am very proud of, especially considering how much I TRULY like and enjoy sex. The decision was made after a combination of events, neither more significant then the other, that made me realize that for the past 6 years or so I did not have what I wanted because I was undeserving of it. As Lyfe Jennings would say I was a nickle looking for a dime. I realized, that I had to become the person I want to find. Which is NOT the same as becoming someone you're not to please someone else, I'm not trying to fit some mold. I'm.....well I'm being a better me! I'm celibate because I want more than "a zip-less fuck," I want passion - erotic, sensual amazing, fun, loving SEX! I'm losing wait and getting in-shape because I want to enjoy my life and because I want someone who is attractive and in-shape. I'm working on my relationship with God, because if I don't have that I don't have anything and all other relationships won't reach their full potential, etc. I'm growing and changing both naturally and intentionally and I am even more uncompromising, I have my standards and requirements SET! It's work! It take effort, discipline, commitment, focus, and will power to do or not do certain things because temptation is everywhere. Don't get it twisted, I'm still the sexually empowered woman I've always been! Though it took me a second to realize that one. I almost let myself think that I had lost my sexual liberation because I wasn't getting any, but it was a short lived air-head moment. Because being celibate is the ultimate example (in my opinion b.k.a the only one that matters) of control of one's sex life. I truly say who, where, when, how, how many, and how often. I control my urges they do not control me.

However, the questions of who and when becomes more complicated than before. Before it was get in, get off, and make him get out, now the who is more important because of the level of intimacy I want and the when is more important because it would be tragic to have true feelings for someone and not be sexually compatible. I'm honest enough with myself to know that loving someone is not enough to stop you from finding sexual gratification elsewhere or being really unhappy (eventually) because your unfulfilled. As strange as this may be to some, the decision to be celibate was the starting block for all the other changes I made. I figured if I could do that then losing weight, eating better, nurturing my relationship with God, not compromising for fear of loneliness were just as do-able. I guess it's not really important what motivates you so long as what drives you is deeper. My motivations were by no means 'major' but I am driven by faith, my grandmother's dreams for me, and my love for myself.

Changing and changes have allowed me to be HAPPY truly happy with myself, for the first time in a long time. It is so easy to say you love yourself, but just like any other love it has to be re-enforced with ACTION. I said I did but I wasn't showing myself I loved me and that is one of the most important things celibacy and other changes have allowed be to do. So don't be afraid of change. Do things you've said you where gonna do, stop TALKING about what you want to do and do it. Lose that 10 lbs, eat better, go to church more, call that guy, go out, buy the dress, get the hair cut, move, stop cursing, etc. what ever it is just DO IT! It really could change your entire life.

Welcom Back

Well hello.
It has been a VERY long time since my last post, I have been on quite a journey and unfortunately I didn't take the time to write and share it, and there is no way I could transcribe it now. I will however say that I am happier then I have ever been, as far as my memory recalls, with the exception of losing my grandmother. I think it was through the unimaginable pain of her lose that the phoenix rose from the ashes. Losing my grandmother I very nearly lost my identity, because everything I did and everything I was, was due in large part to who she believed I was and/or could be. I did whatever it took to make her happy and proud and those thing defined who I was. I'm not saying I believe that through her death I was able to become who I really wanted to be, but I did realize the importance of being true to myself. Thankfully for me, none of what my grandmother wanted as detrimental. Anyway, though I miss her more than I even knew was possible I am glad her suffering is over and I know she is proud of the women I am becoming, because she wanted nothing more in this world then for her "pretty girl" to be happy.
With that said, I really am happy! I finally feel like I'm living my life and not waiting for it to begin, and that is an AMAZING feeling.