Character Lying/Lie

I've always said, "that the lies that hurt the most are the ones we tell ourselves about the people we love," and that truth still remains evident today. But recently I've discovered that it is the lies we don't realize that we are telling that are damaging and detrimental, to the people we are lying to, which includes our self. The kind of lie I'm talking about I have named "character lying." Character lying is committed when an individual acts or portrays themselves as someone they are not, character lying is not the same as being fake or pretending to be someone else to fit in. Character lying is the person or persona we take on as a defense mechanism to deal with the hurt we have endured. The person we pretend to be so that others cannot hurt us.

Now, there is, in my opinion, nothing wrong with developing a thicker shell. I myself have created a real hard-ass to deal with men as I am getting to know them. The problem is that the hard-ass I am when they meet me is not the person I truly am, thus in essence I have lied to them significantly about who I really am. While if I determine that they are not deserving of meeting the real me then no harm no foul. But if the relationship gets serious, then what? My true nature is that of someone who is deeply emotional, easily hurt (though thanks to the hard-ass persona I developed not as easily as it once was), caring, compassionate, and honestly a little cray-cray. The hard-ass cares not at all, she does not show real emotions, and she is generally pretty harsh. (Now don't get it twisted despite all of that I myself am still funny, charming, and caring in a manner that still makes me an attractive companion) The problem lies in the guilt I feel once I develop feelings for someone, once the guard comes down, and the hard-ass is put away. Now this person has to get to know the real me and all that that in tells.

The question becomes, is that fair?

The foundation of who I am they get to know, my likes, dislikes, habits etc., it is the depth of my emotions that are hidden, the amount of attention I require, and how truly sensitive I am that I do not allow to be seen.

Well.....I don't really know if it is or is not fair, but here is what I do know. That most people never give/show all of themselves to people because of one reason or another, and that your first priority is and has to be yourself. Lying may not be the right word for what I do/did but that is how it feels, and while it may not be my fault that I developed this defense it is up to me how to use it.