OK...so looks like my blog is about to take on the online journal persona, if it hasn't already.
There are times when my confidence is THROUGH THE ROOF and there are times when it has bottomed out on the 7th level of Hell. I am very much use to these highs and lows, but currently I am in a relationship and having low self-esteem is a "relationship killer," so my lows worry me more now than when I was single, because I know that I am more that capable of projecting my insecurities onto him. However, I am now and have always been honest with him about my issues, as I like to call them. So when he adds his external "match" to my internal "powder keg"...THERE SHE BLOWS! Bouncing back from these instances are so much harder then just regular ole self-doubt. In this particular situation I am starting to doubt (again) weather or not I am really ready to be in a relationship.
It is common knowledge (of the well informed anyway) that you should not get into a relationship if you 1)still have a single person's mentality and 2) if you do not have your own sh*t together, i.e. financially, emotionally, and mentally. It was my belief at one time that I had conquered those things, but the deeper my feelings for him get the closer to the surface my insecurities rise.
So what in the heck do I do?
I mean this is a serious relationship I'm in, we are talking long term future type stuff, so cutting and running seems more selfish than I believe I am. Usually, I have some kind of "ahhhaha" moment by now.I know he is a stick with me kinda guy, but that doesn't seem fair either. Him being "all in" and I'm sticking my toes in the water still testing/feeling things out. Maybe I'm making a foofaraw (word of the day)out of the situation. Maybe I just need to work twice as hard on loving me and liking me as I did when I was single. Maybe...may be?
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