Changing

One of the major changes in my life is that I am celibate, fourteen (14) months and counting. It is a commitment that I am very proud of, especially considering how much I TRULY like and enjoy sex. The decision was made after a combination of events, neither more significant then the other, that made me realize that for the past 6 years or so I did not have what I wanted because I was undeserving of it. As Lyfe Jennings would say I was a nickle looking for a dime. I realized, that I had to become the person I want to find. Which is NOT the same as becoming someone you're not to please someone else, I'm not trying to fit some mold. I'm.....well I'm being a better me! I'm celibate because I want more than "a zip-less fuck," I want passion - erotic, sensual amazing, fun, loving SEX! I'm losing wait and getting in-shape because I want to enjoy my life and because I want someone who is attractive and in-shape. I'm working on my relationship with God, because if I don't have that I don't have anything and all other relationships won't reach their full potential, etc. I'm growing and changing both naturally and intentionally and I am even more uncompromising, I have my standards and requirements SET! It's work! It take effort, discipline, commitment, focus, and will power to do or not do certain things because temptation is everywhere. Don't get it twisted, I'm still the sexually empowered woman I've always been! Though it took me a second to realize that one. I almost let myself think that I had lost my sexual liberation because I wasn't getting any, but it was a short lived air-head moment. Because being celibate is the ultimate example (in my opinion b.k.a the only one that matters) of control of one's sex life. I truly say who, where, when, how, how many, and how often. I control my urges they do not control me.

However, the questions of who and when becomes more complicated than before. Before it was get in, get off, and make him get out, now the who is more important because of the level of intimacy I want and the when is more important because it would be tragic to have true feelings for someone and not be sexually compatible. I'm honest enough with myself to know that loving someone is not enough to stop you from finding sexual gratification elsewhere or being really unhappy (eventually) because your unfulfilled. As strange as this may be to some, the decision to be celibate was the starting block for all the other changes I made. I figured if I could do that then losing weight, eating better, nurturing my relationship with God, not compromising for fear of loneliness were just as do-able. I guess it's not really important what motivates you so long as what drives you is deeper. My motivations were by no means 'major' but I am driven by faith, my grandmother's dreams for me, and my love for myself.

Changing and changes have allowed me to be HAPPY truly happy with myself, for the first time in a long time. It is so easy to say you love yourself, but just like any other love it has to be re-enforced with ACTION. I said I did but I wasn't showing myself I loved me and that is one of the most important things celibacy and other changes have allowed be to do. So don't be afraid of change. Do things you've said you where gonna do, stop TALKING about what you want to do and do it. Lose that 10 lbs, eat better, go to church more, call that guy, go out, buy the dress, get the hair cut, move, stop cursing, etc. what ever it is just DO IT! It really could change your entire life.

Welcom Back

Well hello.
It has been a VERY long time since my last post, I have been on quite a journey and unfortunately I didn't take the time to write and share it, and there is no way I could transcribe it now. I will however say that I am happier then I have ever been, as far as my memory recalls, with the exception of losing my grandmother. I think it was through the unimaginable pain of her lose that the phoenix rose from the ashes. Losing my grandmother I very nearly lost my identity, because everything I did and everything I was, was due in large part to who she believed I was and/or could be. I did whatever it took to make her happy and proud and those thing defined who I was. I'm not saying I believe that through her death I was able to become who I really wanted to be, but I did realize the importance of being true to myself. Thankfully for me, none of what my grandmother wanted as detrimental. Anyway, though I miss her more than I even knew was possible I am glad her suffering is over and I know she is proud of the women I am becoming, because she wanted nothing more in this world then for her "pretty girl" to be happy.
With that said, I really am happy! I finally feel like I'm living my life and not waiting for it to begin, and that is an AMAZING feeling.

Forgiveness

"The lies that are the hardest to overcome are the ones we tell ourselves about the people we love the most." I was at work today listening to Pastor T.D. Jakes on the internet and he was talking about how we hold on to our issues and we let it consumes us, that we spend our time being the person that someone else labeled us, which gives them power over our lives. It is a message I have heard a few times and I believe in the validity of the message I really do, but then I started to think (as usual) and analyze the concept in its entirety and I wondered, how do you "let go" and forgive someone, how do you take the power they have over you back if you have never faced the "label" or the issue you have with that person. How do you forgive someone for something they don't know they did? And if you do "forgive" them how do you know it is real, that you have really let go?

I've had someone create and issue in my life, I've had someone make me constantly feel a deep sense of anger, resentment, and sadness for their choices that effected MY life. And I voiced my feelings with that person, after which I spent a good amount of time holding on to the hurt that that person created and then one day after hearing this message again, (from Pastor Coleman) I let go! I forgave. So I understand that it is a process and that it takes time, but what concerns me, what makes me question the message as an incomplete one is that it does not address how to forgive. It seems to me that forgiveness has a process, that to heal you have to make your hurt known in some way, and the only way I've ever seen that worked to talk about it. But then that begs the question , can you talk to just anybody about it?

So here is my over all question and concern for the hurt that people feel. How do you began to heal, take back your power, remove someone else's label, and forgive when the person that has harmed you, hurt you, pissed you off, deceived you, lied to you, etc. does not know that thats how you feel or that that is what they have done?

MY CHOICE??

I have always heard that men and women have a tendency to date or be attracted to people that are like their parents, and as with all superstitions or saying that I have heard throughout my life I filed it away under "rules I wouldn't submit to" and moved on. However, as I inventory the people that I have dated and the people I am currently attracted to I have come to the conclusion that they are in certain ways very much like my dad. Now for some women this concept may not be such a bad idea, for those who loved their daddies and always wanted to marry a man like their father then I'm sure the realization that they really do date men that are comparable to their fathers is WONDERFUL! However, if your dad/father is a liar who you have very little trust and faith in then the thought that those are the type of men you date and/or attract is very...disheartening. According to some studies that I have read, women who have positive relationships with their fathers during childhood are more likely to be attracted to men like their father and women who did not have positive relationships during childhood were not as likely, and despite my current feelings about my dad my childhood relationship with him was great. And that is basically how my relationships with guys have gone, they start of great and then turns out to be a real ass-hole. It is not the ass-hole part that is such a problem either, that I usually find funny, but its the lying, the dishonesty, etc. that is what I really can't stand.

Here is the part of the matter that concerns me the most, how much control do we have over who we date or are attracted to? I mean it is not like I go out and say "let me find a guy that reminds me of my dad" or "this guy reminds me of my dad I think I like him." But lately I have noticed that even when I know I can't trust a guy that does very little to deter my attraction to him. It does often keep me from pursuing anything of a serious nature but I still find myself liking them or remaining in some type of contact with them. But WHY, do I attract those guys?? Am I doing it subconsciously? Am I pick guys we are more likely to be liars and untrustworthy? And if I am, how do I stop?

It seems that the most obvious answer would be to talk to a guy who is "not my type" but I usually chose guys based on very swallow standards - their looks. As far as I know liars don't look a certain way, and there is no way of determining that someone is a habitual liar, at least not by looking at them, and I don't have a specific type of guy I'm attracted to, so what's the damn deal? How do I stop this attraction to guys that are "like" my dad? So far I have no idea, but I will continue to contemplate the matter.

NO Expectations, no Disappointments

There is a lot to be said for expectations, they can create a lot of hope and feelings that can cause great hardships when the reality is less then the expectation. So the question is, is it good to have expectations? When considering the concept in its totality your initial reaction might be yes. Because most people assume that if you do not have any expectations you will settle for anything or that it in some way lessen your ability to appreciate when things turn out for the better. However, I would argue that if you avoid expectations you avoid disappointment - at least in most cases - because you have not allowed your self to put any energy into the situation or person. It has been my experience that when you do not have any proclivities about a particular situation, person, event, etc. then you are less likely to get your feelings hurt or be disappointed when things do not turn out the way you want them to.
Life already is too unpredictable and unfair to have things be more disappointing by having expectations. It is not my contention that all expectations are bad or useless, just the majority of them. I am a sports fanatic and I always EXPECT my team to win. I EXPECT that my friends and family are going to be there for me when I need them, and I EXPECT to succeed at everything I do (and there is usually no let down there!) but in each of those cases the chance to be disappointed is there. And there are no circumstances I can think of that tilt the odds in favor of not being disappointed. I think of myself as a realist which often times comes off to some as pessimistic, but that says more about reality than it does about my views. I would be in favor of believing the best in people and situations but often times you are let down. Here is the only tipping in the scales. Faith! I have faith that God will give me the tools I need to help me change my situation, endure the disappointments, and trust in myself. Now, is that the same as an expectation -not in my mind- can I have faith and not have expectations? Yes, I can. What I cannot do is stop myself from having expectations. Try as I might I cannot in every situation not expect some type of outcome or scenario, which probably has more to do with the fact that I want to control the happenings around me and prepare myself for the outcomes I see as most likely. But try as I might and wish as I may to not expect: someone to be as I imagine, to have a good time on the weekends in smallville, to not miss or think about someone that hurt me, or whatever at some point in some cases, expectation will creep in and the energy I have used and the emotions I have spent on "what could be" will take its toll when it does not turn out the way I expected.

SEX IS A WEAPON...or SEX AS A WEAPON?

Recently I read The Video Vixen by Karrine Steffans and several of the emotions she expressed made me think about and question my intents when it comes to negotiating sexual encounters. What factors play into a women using sex as a means of dealing with emotional issues?

Me personal I have almost no emotional connection when it comes to sexual encounters, for me it is a natural desire that should not be denied, like eating when your hungry. It's what you should do to give your body the nutrients it needs. And I'm not saying that my views about sex are bad or wrong, being able to have casual (protected) sex without needing some emotional investment is not a bad thing. But the other side of the equation is that I REFUSE to develop an emotional connection to anyone I am intimate with. Often times, if I did not have a pre-established relationship with the person to begin with, I often cuts communication with the person altogether after I seals the deal. For me, it is more about getting them in bed than getting to know them. I mean if the guy is worth getting to know, their personality outshines my physical attraction to them, so I treats those guys different. But those guys are few and far between. So here is the money question, obviously my actions are not the norm for most women. But, is there something wrong with my logic? Now, it seems that from most point of views I might be considered a hoe, but this isn't the label given to guys who engage in the same sort of behavior. What I worry about (personally) is if am I using sex as a weapon, against myself. What if I am using sex as a means of avoiding getting close to anyone or letting anyone get close. Have I replaced emotional connections (to any man that is not a friend) with sexual pleasure. 

And then there are women like Karrine Steffans

It seemed to me that Karrine Steffans used sex as a bargaining cheap, she knew that the men she was interacting with would give her what she "needed" if she gave them what they wanted, which was sex. But often times her real needs weren't financial or material, it was emotional. She used sex to get attention, friendship, acceptance, "love," the money was what they thought she wanted. Sex was a means to an end. Which seem to be the context most women are having sex under; they only have sex for what they can get out of it, and maybe that has more to do with the fact that 90 plus percent of women in the WORLD do not achieve or receive an orgasm out of sex. Under that circumstance it makes sense, but for me I would rather be getting pleasure out of sex then something financial, material, or even emotional. Its SEX!! However, there is something to be said for the use of sex as a weapon, lets be honest, a lot has been accomplished because of the "power of the pussy," but that seems so conflicting. According to some feminist the ability to have sex on your own terms (regardless of what those terms) is real sexual liberation. According to other fems, having sex for any reasons other than pleasure, desire, and procreation is not sexual liberation, its a career and entertainment for others.

So...is sex a weapon or is it used as a weapon, and which action is healthier for women?
I have sex cause I like it, but my refusal to engage in "meaningful relationships" some how taints that pleasure in societal terms, and allows me as well as others to question my motives. But that is bullshit, unless I am using sex as a shield, which is and could be an issue. But what about women like Karrine Steffans, are the feminist who consider porn, stripping, and prostitution sexual liberation right. Or are the feminist that say sex should be used for physical pleasure and reproduction, and everything else is commodification of women right? My definition of a hoe is (and has always been) a man or women who only engages in sexual actions for financial or material gains and/or reasons other than physical gratification, and that a man or woman who has sex with multiple partners is just someone who enjoys sex. However, someone that does not have control over their sexual impulses, meaning someone who uses the excuse "if she/he throwing it at me, I can only say no so many times" is also a hoe. In my opinion a hoe is someone who prostitutes themselves. This isn't sex as a weapon, it is sex as a tool, and that is not so much my concern. My concern is those emotional whores/prostitues, women who use sex to avoid emotional connections or to gain emotional connections. It seems that this is sex as weapon, on that is more likely to hurt the one using it.

MY PLACE

"We all have a favorite place...my favorite place,...is the bathroom. It's the only place I've found that will let me be me." (Leoneda Inge-Barry, Body Outlaws) As I reflect of the massive amounts of information I have been reading over the past week, I asked myself a lot of questions and explored a lot of emotions about self-love, self-acceptance, who I am, what I represent, and where do I fall among the issues that I have been presented with (recently). The thought that I spend the most time "stressing" over is do people see me the way I want to be seen? The question in and of itself is frustrating because I shouldn't care how people perceive eve me right? For the past few years I have been living a life that most people think is way outside the norm, for a girl, and it has been both empowering and crippling. I am always trying to justify my way of thinking to others and lately I have begun to think that I am doing it more to justify it to me than to them. Which in turn has made me cling harder to "my place," my apartment. I live alone and it allows for some very interesting moments. I can be who every I want, act however I want, dress however I want, because I am at home and alone. The issue is, why is there a need for that security blanket, why can't I be as happy outside of my home as I am when I am at home, alone, naked and watching Sport Center on my couch, smiling at myself every time I pass a mirror. Why does that happy, confident, person change when I leave "my domain"? Don't get me wrong I'm still happy and confident but its different, very different. Outside those walls my happiness and confidence comes from a different place. It comes from a place of defensiveness, a wantingness to prove that I am me and proud of it. And I wonder all the time, is it just me? I love "my place," I love how I feel in "my place," I love how I look in "my place," but it is not the same when I leave and sometimes it makes me a very angry person. I use to think that I would get mean and rude because I didn't want to go to work or class or be around people who annoy me, but I have begun to think that maybe it's because I have to leave "my place." I have to put on clothes, be judged, be looked at, observed, talked about, conform, portray my beliefs. So is "my place" helpful or is it harmful, does it provide some false sense of self? Does the fact that I don't take Dat Gurl with me make me weaker or stronger? Does the fact that I don't let anyone see me cry, except her, a good thing or a bad thing? As I stated I love "my place" so regardless of the answers I am in no way ready to give it up, but how much happier/better would I be if I could take "my place" with me, or if "my place" was where ever I am because I hold something inside me?

So many questions, so much confusion, and so little energy to deal.