I've always said, "that the lies that hurt the most are the ones we tell ourselves about the people we love," and that truth still remains evident today. But recently I've discovered that it is the lies we don't realize that we are telling that are damaging and detrimental, to the people we are lying to, which includes our self. The kind of lie I'm talking about I have named "character lying." Character lying is committed when an individual acts or portrays themselves as someone they are not, character lying is not the same as being fake or pretending to be someone else to fit in. Character lying is the person or persona we take on as a defense mechanism to deal with the hurt we have endured. The person we pretend to be so that others cannot hurt us.
Now, there is, in my opinion, nothing wrong with developing a thicker shell. I myself have created a real hard-ass to deal with men as I am getting to know them. The problem is that the hard-ass I am when they meet me is not the person I truly am, thus in essence I have lied to them significantly about who I really am. While if I determine that they are not deserving of meeting the real me then no harm no foul. But if the relationship gets serious, then what? My true nature is that of someone who is deeply emotional, easily hurt (though thanks to the hard-ass persona I developed not as easily as it once was), caring, compassionate, and honestly a little cray-cray. The hard-ass cares not at all, she does not show real emotions, and she is generally pretty harsh. (Now don't get it twisted despite all of that I myself am still funny, charming, and caring in a manner that still makes me an attractive companion) The problem lies in the guilt I feel once I develop feelings for someone, once the guard comes down, and the hard-ass is put away. Now this person has to get to know the real me and all that that in tells.
The question becomes, is that fair?
The foundation of who I am they get to know, my likes, dislikes, habits etc., it is the depth of my emotions that are hidden, the amount of attention I require, and how truly sensitive I am that I do not allow to be seen.
Well.....I don't really know if it is or is not fair, but here is what I do know. That most people never give/show all of themselves to people because of one reason or another, and that your first priority is and has to be yourself. Lying may not be the right word for what I do/did but that is how it feels, and while it may not be my fault that I developed this defense it is up to me how to use it.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Cheating = SELFISH ASS MUTHAF#*$ER
Why do people cheat?
I have heard lots of answers to this: men are genetically engineered that way, monogamy isn't natural, we are the only mammals on the planet that do monogamy and that can't be right. "My partner doesn't satisfy my needs/taste/freaky side! WTF ever!!! The reason people cheat is because we are selfish creatures. We will not and do not consider other people's feelings before our own. If we stopped for a moment to consider how we would feel if the person we love, respect, and would do anything for tap danced all over our feeling, some -not all - but some of us wouldn't commit to the act of cheating. As a matter of fact, I believe that if we stopped and thought about how we would feel if the person we are in a relationship with was doing the exact thing(s) we are doing, in the moment in which we are doing it, we wouldn't do a lot of hurtful shit. Like have phone/text conversations at inappropriate hours with persons of the opposite sex that are NOT family. We wouldn't flirt with people we are attracted to when our significant other is not around.
Now that I think about it, if we acted like our girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse was watching us at all times we would be better girlfriends/boyfriends/spouses all together!
And don't give me that..."I just wanna let my hair down/let loose sometimes BULLSHIT! Because in all honesty if your relationship is built on the right foundation, then your "boo" should be one of your closest friends anyway. Meaning that you should be able to have fun and be yourself in their presence. But if that self, is a selfish asshole who flirts with anything and everything then you probably shouldn't be in a relationship any-damn-way.
Ideally, when you are in a relationship your behavior should change anyway, so the "single-life" lifestyle and activities need to be laid to REST! So with or without your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse around you should be acting the same or very similar!
Personally, I would prefer that if you meet someone is that is better than me in anyway, to a degree that you give this person that much of your time and energy then just let me know and you can go be with that person. But this "have my cake and eat it too" situation is NOT gonna work. If I'm not doing something or giving you something that you NEED, either let me know and give me the chance to try or leave me be. But don't cheat or hurt my feelings or damage my self-esteem, and give me trust issues because you aren't a decent enough person to consider my feelings; by breaking up with me before you get emotionally involved with another individual, and crushing what I believed to be was my "happy world."
I have heard lots of answers to this: men are genetically engineered that way, monogamy isn't natural, we are the only mammals on the planet that do monogamy and that can't be right. "My partner doesn't satisfy my needs/taste/freaky side! WTF ever!!! The reason people cheat is because we are selfish creatures. We will not and do not consider other people's feelings before our own. If we stopped for a moment to consider how we would feel if the person we love, respect, and would do anything for tap danced all over our feeling, some -not all - but some of us wouldn't commit to the act of cheating. As a matter of fact, I believe that if we stopped and thought about how we would feel if the person we are in a relationship with was doing the exact thing(s) we are doing, in the moment in which we are doing it, we wouldn't do a lot of hurtful shit. Like have phone/text conversations at inappropriate hours with persons of the opposite sex that are NOT family. We wouldn't flirt with people we are attracted to when our significant other is not around.
Now that I think about it, if we acted like our girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse was watching us at all times we would be better girlfriends/boyfriends/spouses all together!
And don't give me that..."I just wanna let my hair down/let loose sometimes BULLSHIT! Because in all honesty if your relationship is built on the right foundation, then your "boo" should be one of your closest friends anyway. Meaning that you should be able to have fun and be yourself in their presence. But if that self, is a selfish asshole who flirts with anything and everything then you probably shouldn't be in a relationship any-damn-way.
Ideally, when you are in a relationship your behavior should change anyway, so the "single-life" lifestyle and activities need to be laid to REST! So with or without your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse around you should be acting the same or very similar!
Personally, I would prefer that if you meet someone is that is better than me in anyway, to a degree that you give this person that much of your time and energy then just let me know and you can go be with that person. But this "have my cake and eat it too" situation is NOT gonna work. If I'm not doing something or giving you something that you NEED, either let me know and give me the chance to try or leave me be. But don't cheat or hurt my feelings or damage my self-esteem, and give me trust issues because you aren't a decent enough person to consider my feelings; by breaking up with me before you get emotionally involved with another individual, and crushing what I believed to be was my "happy world."
Friday, June 17, 2011
Questions
You ever wonder where things like drive, self-discipline , confidence, etc. come from? Like how is it that some people have it in spades and others have absolutely none. The assumption would have to be that it is nature or nurture, right? That someone instills it in you or you are just born with it. But can you be born with an aversion to those types of qualities? I have said/expressed a few times that I was raised to believe in my self. Not that I was always given positive feedback about my abilities, intellect, or appearance, but the majority of what I can recall was positive and still is. Why then, do I have days like today (June 17, 2011) where I feel like I am so much less then I felt yesterday?
The first thing that comes to mind is at eleven-something last night my boyfriend got up and went to bed - because he has to get up early - while I was on the phone with a friend who was having a hard time, only to be laying there having a text conversation with a female. So I went to bed feeling...? Slightly betrayed, I guess. I literally fell asleep think how inappropriate it is to be talking to someone of the opposite sex that late, how would he feel if I was doing the same, and was I making unfounded assumptions. I woke up feeling suspicious of his actions and like considering how long we've been together and my unset of PMS (coupled with some bouts with clinical depression) that we have probably reached the point where he starts to realize that I'm not so great. It seems to happen around the year mark, when the great things about my personality start to get overshadowed by my issues, i.e. lack of self-esteem, constant need for reassurance, and inability to trust. Which has lead me to wonder about the question I posed at the start of this entry. How is it that for everything I do have that my self and most people find to be admirable qualities, I have the self-esteem of a 400lb person bed bound, with acne and acne scars, and unsightly teeth.
Why was I doing so well before I got into a serious relationship and now I'm back where I started? Is it the lack of having someone that makes it easier to cope? Does being in a relationship, i.e. having something to lose, make you question the weapons you have to fight with? Seems I have more questions than I do answers these days. By now I would have thought my way through to some type of solution, would have figured out some way to make me feel better, lately writing through my issues and emotions has on left me with tears and feeling very empty. Today is no different and I am left with a question I thought I had answered almost two years ago. How do I get back to being that Tosha I am capable of being?
The first thing that comes to mind is at eleven-something last night my boyfriend got up and went to bed - because he has to get up early - while I was on the phone with a friend who was having a hard time, only to be laying there having a text conversation with a female. So I went to bed feeling...? Slightly betrayed, I guess. I literally fell asleep think how inappropriate it is to be talking to someone of the opposite sex that late, how would he feel if I was doing the same, and was I making unfounded assumptions. I woke up feeling suspicious of his actions and like considering how long we've been together and my unset of PMS (coupled with some bouts with clinical depression) that we have probably reached the point where he starts to realize that I'm not so great. It seems to happen around the year mark, when the great things about my personality start to get overshadowed by my issues, i.e. lack of self-esteem, constant need for reassurance, and inability to trust. Which has lead me to wonder about the question I posed at the start of this entry. How is it that for everything I do have that my self and most people find to be admirable qualities, I have the self-esteem of a 400lb person bed bound, with acne and acne scars, and unsightly teeth.
Why was I doing so well before I got into a serious relationship and now I'm back where I started? Is it the lack of having someone that makes it easier to cope? Does being in a relationship, i.e. having something to lose, make you question the weapons you have to fight with? Seems I have more questions than I do answers these days. By now I would have thought my way through to some type of solution, would have figured out some way to make me feel better, lately writing through my issues and emotions has on left me with tears and feeling very empty. Today is no different and I am left with a question I thought I had answered almost two years ago. How do I get back to being that Tosha I am capable of being?
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Love Will NEVER Be Enough
You know what I think causes people, girls in particular, to harden themselves or to become guarded?
The fact that they loved someone with all the had; trusted that the person they loved, loved them for who they are (were) and for what they had to give and it turned out that....it wasn't enough. Maybe they loved to easily or weren't good judges of character but that doesn't change the facts or their belief, that if the person liked them as person and they were loving and accepting in return, that they never should have been hurt. The person who claimed to have loved them shouldn't have lied to them, whether by direct lying, omission or half-truths.
Love really and truly isn't enough! There has to be equal parts love, respect, and concern for the other person's feelings for a relationship to work. That's probably why people that are friends first end up in lasting relationships. We are a lot less inclined to hurt our friends because we have gotten to know them enough that we care deeply about their feelings and we also know the things that would be considered hurtful to them. Love all by itself isn't enough!
That's part of what helps build those feelings of doubt and insecurity; the knowing that you can give a person your whole heart and some times without a moments pause they will do things that shatter it to dust. We care so little about the person we are in a relationships with feelings. We hardly ever stop to think how we would feel on the receiving end of what we are about to do, and that's why love isn't enough! There has to be a willingness that becomes almost instinctual to put the person's feelings before our own for it to last, for it to work. If that isn't the case then it isn't real, it's just not! So there it is, my standard of measurement for knowing if I'm ready to go all in, at least one measurement. I have to have other measurements because, I'm someone who knows it is possible to love someone with every fiber of your being without the barest hint that they even give a damn about you as human being. I give that consideration naturally. Because I know pain, real soul bleeding pain, the kind that when your heart breaks it literally physically takes your breath away. The kind of pain that has you forgetting when you last ate. The kind of pain that turns you into an empty shell, going through routine motions.
I truly hope I would never cause anyone even a tenth of that pain, but I did. And at times I still try to justify it but the truth is, I only considered his feelings as an after thought. Nothing was ever more important than my own feelings, in both family and non-family relationships, which made me a beyond selfish ass person. With that understanding I have never again and I will make ever attempt to never again do that, but what does it mean for my ability to believe in lasting love? Are my scars too deep? Does not knowing or having witnessed a single marriage that has not been infected by infidelity make me a un-trusting, cynical, once upon a time hopeless romantic who will never truly FALL in love again? Will my insecurities always plague me? Will I ever be loved the way I was once capable of loving or be capable of loving that way again?
I would love and cherish answers to these questions.
The fact that they loved someone with all the had; trusted that the person they loved, loved them for who they are (were) and for what they had to give and it turned out that....it wasn't enough. Maybe they loved to easily or weren't good judges of character but that doesn't change the facts or their belief, that if the person liked them as person and they were loving and accepting in return, that they never should have been hurt. The person who claimed to have loved them shouldn't have lied to them, whether by direct lying, omission or half-truths.
Love really and truly isn't enough! There has to be equal parts love, respect, and concern for the other person's feelings for a relationship to work. That's probably why people that are friends first end up in lasting relationships. We are a lot less inclined to hurt our friends because we have gotten to know them enough that we care deeply about their feelings and we also know the things that would be considered hurtful to them. Love all by itself isn't enough!
That's part of what helps build those feelings of doubt and insecurity; the knowing that you can give a person your whole heart and some times without a moments pause they will do things that shatter it to dust. We care so little about the person we are in a relationships with feelings. We hardly ever stop to think how we would feel on the receiving end of what we are about to do, and that's why love isn't enough! There has to be a willingness that becomes almost instinctual to put the person's feelings before our own for it to last, for it to work. If that isn't the case then it isn't real, it's just not! So there it is, my standard of measurement for knowing if I'm ready to go all in, at least one measurement. I have to have other measurements because, I'm someone who knows it is possible to love someone with every fiber of your being without the barest hint that they even give a damn about you as human being. I give that consideration naturally. Because I know pain, real soul bleeding pain, the kind that when your heart breaks it literally physically takes your breath away. The kind of pain that has you forgetting when you last ate. The kind of pain that turns you into an empty shell, going through routine motions.
I truly hope I would never cause anyone even a tenth of that pain, but I did. And at times I still try to justify it but the truth is, I only considered his feelings as an after thought. Nothing was ever more important than my own feelings, in both family and non-family relationships, which made me a beyond selfish ass person. With that understanding I have never again and I will make ever attempt to never again do that, but what does it mean for my ability to believe in lasting love? Are my scars too deep? Does not knowing or having witnessed a single marriage that has not been infected by infidelity make me a un-trusting, cynical, once upon a time hopeless romantic who will never truly FALL in love again? Will my insecurities always plague me? Will I ever be loved the way I was once capable of loving or be capable of loving that way again?
I would love and cherish answers to these questions.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Work In Progress..."Esteem of your muthf*ckin self"
OK...so looks like my blog is about to take on the online journal persona, if it hasn't already.
There are times when my confidence is THROUGH THE ROOF and there are times when it has bottomed out on the 7th level of Hell. I am very much use to these highs and lows, but currently I am in a relationship and having low self-esteem is a "relationship killer," so my lows worry me more now than when I was single, because I know that I am more that capable of projecting my insecurities onto him. However, I am now and have always been honest with him about my issues, as I like to call them. So when he adds his external "match" to my internal "powder keg"...THERE SHE BLOWS! Bouncing back from these instances are so much harder then just regular ole self-doubt. In this particular situation I am starting to doubt (again) weather or not I am really ready to be in a relationship.
It is common knowledge (of the well informed anyway) that you should not get into a relationship if you 1)still have a single person's mentality and 2) if you do not have your own sh*t together, i.e. financially, emotionally, and mentally. It was my belief at one time that I had conquered those things, but the deeper my feelings for him get the closer to the surface my insecurities rise.
So what in the heck do I do?
I mean this is a serious relationship I'm in, we are talking long term future type stuff, so cutting and running seems more selfish than I believe I am. Usually, I have some kind of "ahhhaha" moment by now.I know he is a stick with me kinda guy, but that doesn't seem fair either. Him being "all in" and I'm sticking my toes in the water still testing/feeling things out. Maybe I'm making a foofaraw (word of the day)out of the situation. Maybe I just need to work twice as hard on loving me and liking me as I did when I was single. Maybe...may be?
There are times when my confidence is THROUGH THE ROOF and there are times when it has bottomed out on the 7th level of Hell. I am very much use to these highs and lows, but currently I am in a relationship and having low self-esteem is a "relationship killer," so my lows worry me more now than when I was single, because I know that I am more that capable of projecting my insecurities onto him. However, I am now and have always been honest with him about my issues, as I like to call them. So when he adds his external "match" to my internal "powder keg"...THERE SHE BLOWS! Bouncing back from these instances are so much harder then just regular ole self-doubt. In this particular situation I am starting to doubt (again) weather or not I am really ready to be in a relationship.
It is common knowledge (of the well informed anyway) that you should not get into a relationship if you 1)still have a single person's mentality and 2) if you do not have your own sh*t together, i.e. financially, emotionally, and mentally. It was my belief at one time that I had conquered those things, but the deeper my feelings for him get the closer to the surface my insecurities rise.
So what in the heck do I do?
I mean this is a serious relationship I'm in, we are talking long term future type stuff, so cutting and running seems more selfish than I believe I am. Usually, I have some kind of "ahhhaha" moment by now.I know he is a stick with me kinda guy, but that doesn't seem fair either. Him being "all in" and I'm sticking my toes in the water still testing/feeling things out. Maybe I'm making a foofaraw (word of the day)out of the situation. Maybe I just need to work twice as hard on loving me and liking me as I did when I was single. Maybe...may be?
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Changing
One of the major changes in my life is that I am celibate, fourteen (14) months and counting. It is a commitment that I am very proud of, especially considering how much I TRULY like and enjoy sex. The decision was made after a combination of events, neither more significant then the other, that made me realize that for the past 6 years or so I did not have what I wanted because I was undeserving of it. As Lyfe Jennings would say I was a nickle looking for a dime. I realized, that I had to become the person I want to find. Which is NOT the same as becoming someone you're not to please someone else, I'm not trying to fit some mold. I'm.....well I'm being a better me! I'm celibate because I want more than "a zip-less fuck," I want passion - erotic, sensual amazing, fun, loving SEX! I'm losing wait and getting in-shape because I want to enjoy my life and because I want someone who is attractive and in-shape. I'm working on my relationship with God, because if I don't have that I don't have anything and all other relationships won't reach their full potential, etc. I'm growing and changing both naturally and intentionally and I am even more uncompromising, I have my standards and requirements SET! It's work! It take effort, discipline, commitment, focus, and will power to do or not do certain things because temptation is everywhere. Don't get it twisted, I'm still the sexually empowered woman I've always been! Though it took me a second to realize that one. I almost let myself think that I had lost my sexual liberation because I wasn't getting any, but it was a short lived air-head moment. Because being celibate is the ultimate example (in my opinion b.k.a the only one that matters) of control of one's sex life. I truly say who, where, when, how, how many, and how often. I control my urges they do not control me.
However, the questions of who and when becomes more complicated than before. Before it was get in, get off, and make him get out, now the who is more important because of the level of intimacy I want and the when is more important because it would be tragic to have true feelings for someone and not be sexually compatible. I'm honest enough with myself to know that loving someone is not enough to stop you from finding sexual gratification elsewhere or being really unhappy (eventually) because your unfulfilled. As strange as this may be to some, the decision to be celibate was the starting block for all the other changes I made. I figured if I could do that then losing weight, eating better, nurturing my relationship with God, not compromising for fear of loneliness were just as do-able. I guess it's not really important what motivates you so long as what drives you is deeper. My motivations were by no means 'major' but I am driven by faith, my grandmother's dreams for me, and my love for myself.
Changing and changes have allowed me to be HAPPY truly happy with myself, for the first time in a long time. It is so easy to say you love yourself, but just like any other love it has to be re-enforced with ACTION. I said I did but I wasn't showing myself I loved me and that is one of the most important things celibacy and other changes have allowed be to do. So don't be afraid of change. Do things you've said you where gonna do, stop TALKING about what you want to do and do it. Lose that 10 lbs, eat better, go to church more, call that guy, go out, buy the dress, get the hair cut, move, stop cursing, etc. what ever it is just DO IT! It really could change your entire life.
However, the questions of who and when becomes more complicated than before. Before it was get in, get off, and make him get out, now the who is more important because of the level of intimacy I want and the when is more important because it would be tragic to have true feelings for someone and not be sexually compatible. I'm honest enough with myself to know that loving someone is not enough to stop you from finding sexual gratification elsewhere or being really unhappy (eventually) because your unfulfilled. As strange as this may be to some, the decision to be celibate was the starting block for all the other changes I made. I figured if I could do that then losing weight, eating better, nurturing my relationship with God, not compromising for fear of loneliness were just as do-able. I guess it's not really important what motivates you so long as what drives you is deeper. My motivations were by no means 'major' but I am driven by faith, my grandmother's dreams for me, and my love for myself.
Changing and changes have allowed me to be HAPPY truly happy with myself, for the first time in a long time. It is so easy to say you love yourself, but just like any other love it has to be re-enforced with ACTION. I said I did but I wasn't showing myself I loved me and that is one of the most important things celibacy and other changes have allowed be to do. So don't be afraid of change. Do things you've said you where gonna do, stop TALKING about what you want to do and do it. Lose that 10 lbs, eat better, go to church more, call that guy, go out, buy the dress, get the hair cut, move, stop cursing, etc. what ever it is just DO IT! It really could change your entire life.
Welcom Back
Well hello.
It has been a VERY long time since my last post, I have been on quite a journey and unfortunately I didn't take the time to write and share it, and there is no way I could transcribe it now. I will however say that I am happier then I have ever been, as far as my memory recalls, with the exception of losing my grandmother. I think it was through the unimaginable pain of her lose that the phoenix rose from the ashes. Losing my grandmother I very nearly lost my identity, because everything I did and everything I was, was due in large part to who she believed I was and/or could be. I did whatever it took to make her happy and proud and those thing defined who I was. I'm not saying I believe that through her death I was able to become who I really wanted to be, but I did realize the importance of being true to myself. Thankfully for me, none of what my grandmother wanted as detrimental. Anyway, though I miss her more than I even knew was possible I am glad her suffering is over and I know she is proud of the women I am becoming, because she wanted nothing more in this world then for her "pretty girl" to be happy.
With that said, I really am happy! I finally feel like I'm living my life and not waiting for it to begin, and that is an AMAZING feeling.
It has been a VERY long time since my last post, I have been on quite a journey and unfortunately I didn't take the time to write and share it, and there is no way I could transcribe it now. I will however say that I am happier then I have ever been, as far as my memory recalls, with the exception of losing my grandmother. I think it was through the unimaginable pain of her lose that the phoenix rose from the ashes. Losing my grandmother I very nearly lost my identity, because everything I did and everything I was, was due in large part to who she believed I was and/or could be. I did whatever it took to make her happy and proud and those thing defined who I was. I'm not saying I believe that through her death I was able to become who I really wanted to be, but I did realize the importance of being true to myself. Thankfully for me, none of what my grandmother wanted as detrimental. Anyway, though I miss her more than I even knew was possible I am glad her suffering is over and I know she is proud of the women I am becoming, because she wanted nothing more in this world then for her "pretty girl" to be happy.
With that said, I really am happy! I finally feel like I'm living my life and not waiting for it to begin, and that is an AMAZING feeling.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Forgiveness
"The lies that are the hardest to overcome are the ones we tell ourselves about the people we love the most." I was at work today listening to Pastor T.D. Jakes on the internet and he was talking about how we hold on to our issues and we let it consumes us, that we spend our time being the person that someone else labeled us, which gives them power over our lives. It is a message I have heard a few times and I believe in the validity of the message I really do, but then I started to think (as usual) and analyze the concept in its entirety and I wondered, how do you "let go" and forgive someone, how do you take the power they have over you back if you have never faced the "label" or the issue you have with that person. How do you forgive someone for something they don't know they did? And if you do "forgive" them how do you know it is real, that you have really let go?
I've had someone create and issue in my life, I've had someone make me constantly feel a deep sense of anger, resentment, and sadness for their choices that effected MY life. And I voiced my feelings with that person, after which I spent a good amount of time holding on to the hurt that that person created and then one day after hearing this message again, (from Pastor Coleman) I let go! I forgave. So I understand that it is a process and that it takes time, but what concerns me, what makes me question the message as an incomplete one is that it does not address how to forgive. It seems to me that forgiveness has a process, that to heal you have to make your hurt known in some way, and the only way I've ever seen that worked to talk about it. But then that begs the question , can you talk to just anybody about it?
So here is my over all question and concern for the hurt that people feel. How do you began to heal, take back your power, remove someone else's label, and forgive when the person that has harmed you, hurt you, pissed you off, deceived you, lied to you, etc. does not know that thats how you feel or that that is what they have done?
I've had someone create and issue in my life, I've had someone make me constantly feel a deep sense of anger, resentment, and sadness for their choices that effected MY life. And I voiced my feelings with that person, after which I spent a good amount of time holding on to the hurt that that person created and then one day after hearing this message again, (from Pastor Coleman) I let go! I forgave. So I understand that it is a process and that it takes time, but what concerns me, what makes me question the message as an incomplete one is that it does not address how to forgive. It seems to me that forgiveness has a process, that to heal you have to make your hurt known in some way, and the only way I've ever seen that worked to talk about it. But then that begs the question , can you talk to just anybody about it?
So here is my over all question and concern for the hurt that people feel. How do you began to heal, take back your power, remove someone else's label, and forgive when the person that has harmed you, hurt you, pissed you off, deceived you, lied to you, etc. does not know that thats how you feel or that that is what they have done?
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
MY CHOICE??
I have always heard that men and women have a tendency to date or be attracted to people that are like their parents, and as with all superstitions or saying that I have heard throughout my life I filed it away under "rules I wouldn't submit to" and moved on. However, as I inventory the people that I have dated and the people I am currently attracted to I have come to the conclusion that they are in certain ways very much like my dad. Now for some women this concept may not be such a bad idea, for those who loved their daddies and always wanted to marry a man like their father then I'm sure the realization that they really do date men that are comparable to their fathers is WONDERFUL! However, if your dad/father is a liar who you have very little trust and faith in then the thought that those are the type of men you date and/or attract is very...disheartening. According to some studies that I have read, women who have positive relationships with their fathers during childhood are more likely to be attracted to men like their father and women who did not have positive relationships during childhood were not as likely, and despite my current feelings about my dad my childhood relationship with him was great. And that is basically how my relationships with guys have gone, they start of great and then turns out to be a real ass-hole. It is not the ass-hole part that is such a problem either, that I usually find funny, but its the lying, the dishonesty, etc. that is what I really can't stand.
Here is the part of the matter that concerns me the most, how much control do we have over who we date or are attracted to? I mean it is not like I go out and say "let me find a guy that reminds me of my dad" or "this guy reminds me of my dad I think I like him." But lately I have noticed that even when I know I can't trust a guy that does very little to deter my attraction to him. It does often keep me from pursuing anything of a serious nature but I still find myself liking them or remaining in some type of contact with them. But WHY, do I attract those guys?? Am I doing it subconsciously? Am I pick guys we are more likely to be liars and untrustworthy? And if I am, how do I stop?
It seems that the most obvious answer would be to talk to a guy who is "not my type" but I usually chose guys based on very swallow standards - their looks. As far as I know liars don't look a certain way, and there is no way of determining that someone is a habitual liar, at least not by looking at them, and I don't have a specific type of guy I'm attracted to, so what's the damn deal? How do I stop this attraction to guys that are "like" my dad? So far I have no idea, but I will continue to contemplate the matter.
Here is the part of the matter that concerns me the most, how much control do we have over who we date or are attracted to? I mean it is not like I go out and say "let me find a guy that reminds me of my dad" or "this guy reminds me of my dad I think I like him." But lately I have noticed that even when I know I can't trust a guy that does very little to deter my attraction to him. It does often keep me from pursuing anything of a serious nature but I still find myself liking them or remaining in some type of contact with them. But WHY, do I attract those guys?? Am I doing it subconsciously? Am I pick guys we are more likely to be liars and untrustworthy? And if I am, how do I stop?
It seems that the most obvious answer would be to talk to a guy who is "not my type" but I usually chose guys based on very swallow standards - their looks. As far as I know liars don't look a certain way, and there is no way of determining that someone is a habitual liar, at least not by looking at them, and I don't have a specific type of guy I'm attracted to, so what's the damn deal? How do I stop this attraction to guys that are "like" my dad? So far I have no idea, but I will continue to contemplate the matter.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
NO Expectations, no Disappointments
There is a lot to be said for expectations, they can create a lot of hope and feelings that can cause great hardships when the reality is less then the expectation. So the question is, is it good to have expectations? When considering the concept in its totality your initial reaction might be yes. Because most people assume that if you do not have any expectations you will settle for anything or that it in some way lessen your ability to appreciate when things turn out for the better. However, I would argue that if you avoid expectations you avoid disappointment - at least in most cases - because you have not allowed your self to put any energy into the situation or person. It has been my experience that when you do not have any proclivities about a particular situation, person, event, etc. then you are less likely to get your feelings hurt or be disappointed when things do not turn out the way you want them to.
Life already is too unpredictable and unfair to have things be more disappointing by having expectations. It is not my contention that all expectations are bad or useless, just the majority of them. I am a sports fanatic and I always EXPECT my team to win. I EXPECT that my friends and family are going to be there for me when I need them, and I EXPECT to succeed at everything I do (and there is usually no let down there!) but in each of those cases the chance to be disappointed is there. And there are no circumstances I can think of that tilt the odds in favor of not being disappointed. I think of myself as a realist which often times comes off to some as pessimistic, but that says more about reality than it does about my views. I would be in favor of believing the best in people and situations but often times you are let down. Here is the only tipping in the scales. Faith! I have faith that God will give me the tools I need to help me change my situation, endure the disappointments, and trust in myself. Now, is that the same as an expectation -not in my mind- can I have faith and not have expectations? Yes, I can. What I cannot do is stop myself from having expectations. Try as I might I cannot in every situation not expect some type of outcome or scenario, which probably has more to do with the fact that I want to control the happenings around me and prepare myself for the outcomes I see as most likely. But try as I might and wish as I may to not expect: someone to be as I imagine, to have a good time on the weekends in smallville, to not miss or think about someone that hurt me, or whatever at some point in some cases, expectation will creep in and the energy I have used and the emotions I have spent on "what could be" will take its toll when it does not turn out the way I expected.
Life already is too unpredictable and unfair to have things be more disappointing by having expectations. It is not my contention that all expectations are bad or useless, just the majority of them. I am a sports fanatic and I always EXPECT my team to win. I EXPECT that my friends and family are going to be there for me when I need them, and I EXPECT to succeed at everything I do (and there is usually no let down there!) but in each of those cases the chance to be disappointed is there. And there are no circumstances I can think of that tilt the odds in favor of not being disappointed. I think of myself as a realist which often times comes off to some as pessimistic, but that says more about reality than it does about my views. I would be in favor of believing the best in people and situations but often times you are let down. Here is the only tipping in the scales. Faith! I have faith that God will give me the tools I need to help me change my situation, endure the disappointments, and trust in myself. Now, is that the same as an expectation -not in my mind- can I have faith and not have expectations? Yes, I can. What I cannot do is stop myself from having expectations. Try as I might I cannot in every situation not expect some type of outcome or scenario, which probably has more to do with the fact that I want to control the happenings around me and prepare myself for the outcomes I see as most likely. But try as I might and wish as I may to not expect: someone to be as I imagine, to have a good time on the weekends in smallville, to not miss or think about someone that hurt me, or whatever at some point in some cases, expectation will creep in and the energy I have used and the emotions I have spent on "what could be" will take its toll when it does not turn out the way I expected.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
SEX IS A WEAPON...or SEX AS A WEAPON?
Recently I read The Video Vixen by Karrine Steffans and several of the emotions she expressed made me think about and question my intents when it comes to negotiating sexual encounters. What factors play into a women using sex as a means of dealing with emotional issues?
Me personal I have almost no emotional connection when it comes to sexual encounters, for me it is a natural desire that should not be denied, like eating when your hungry. It's what you should do to give your body the nutrients it needs. And I'm not saying that my views about sex are bad or wrong, being able to have casual (protected) sex without needing some emotional investment is not a bad thing. But the other side of the equation is that I REFUSE to develop an emotional connection to anyone I am intimate with. Often times, if I did not have a pre-established relationship with the person to begin with, I often cuts communication with the person altogether after I seals the deal. For me, it is more about getting them in bed than getting to know them. I mean if the guy is worth getting to know, their personality outshines my physical attraction to them, so I treats those guys different. But those guys are few and far between. So here is the money question, obviously my actions are not the norm for most women. But, is there something wrong with my logic? Now, it seems that from most point of views I might be considered a hoe, but this isn't the label given to guys who engage in the same sort of behavior. What I worry about (personally) is if am I using sex as a weapon, against myself. What if I am using sex as a means of avoiding getting close to anyone or letting anyone get close. Have I replaced emotional connections (to any man that is not a friend) with sexual pleasure.
And then there are women like Karrine Steffans
It seemed to me that Karrine Steffans used sex as a bargaining cheap, she knew that the men she was interacting with would give her what she "needed" if she gave them what they wanted, which was sex. But often times her real needs weren't financial or material, it was emotional. She used sex to get attention, friendship, acceptance, "love," the money was what they thought she wanted. Sex was a means to an end. Which seem to be the context most women are having sex under; they only have sex for what they can get out of it, and maybe that has more to do with the fact that 90 plus percent of women in the WORLD do not achieve or receive an orgasm out of sex. Under that circumstance it makes sense, but for me I would rather be getting pleasure out of sex then something financial, material, or even emotional. Its SEX!! However, there is something to be said for the use of sex as a weapon, lets be honest, a lot has been accomplished because of the "power of the pussy," but that seems so conflicting. According to some feminist the ability to have sex on your own terms (regardless of what those terms) is real sexual liberation. According to other fems, having sex for any reasons other than pleasure, desire, and procreation is not sexual liberation, its a career and entertainment for others.
So...is sex a weapon or is it used as a weapon, and which action is healthier for women?
I have sex cause I like it, but my refusal to engage in "meaningful relationships" some how taints that pleasure in societal terms, and allows me as well as others to question my motives. But that is bullshit, unless I am using sex as a shield, which is and could be an issue. But what about women like Karrine Steffans, are the feminist who consider porn, stripping, and prostitution sexual liberation right. Or are the feminist that say sex should be used for physical pleasure and reproduction, and everything else is commodification of women right? My definition of a hoe is (and has always been) a man or women who only engages in sexual actions for financial or material gains and/or reasons other than physical gratification, and that a man or woman who has sex with multiple partners is just someone who enjoys sex. However, someone that does not have control over their sexual impulses, meaning someone who uses the excuse "if she/he throwing it at me, I can only say no so many times" is also a hoe. In my opinion a hoe is someone who prostitutes themselves. This isn't sex as a weapon, it is sex as a tool, and that is not so much my concern. My concern is those emotional whores/prostitues, women who use sex to avoid emotional connections or to gain emotional connections. It seems that this is sex as weapon, on that is more likely to hurt the one using it.
Me personal I have almost no emotional connection when it comes to sexual encounters, for me it is a natural desire that should not be denied, like eating when your hungry. It's what you should do to give your body the nutrients it needs. And I'm not saying that my views about sex are bad or wrong, being able to have casual (protected) sex without needing some emotional investment is not a bad thing. But the other side of the equation is that I REFUSE to develop an emotional connection to anyone I am intimate with. Often times, if I did not have a pre-established relationship with the person to begin with, I often cuts communication with the person altogether after I seals the deal. For me, it is more about getting them in bed than getting to know them. I mean if the guy is worth getting to know, their personality outshines my physical attraction to them, so I treats those guys different. But those guys are few and far between. So here is the money question, obviously my actions are not the norm for most women. But, is there something wrong with my logic? Now, it seems that from most point of views I might be considered a hoe, but this isn't the label given to guys who engage in the same sort of behavior. What I worry about (personally) is if am I using sex as a weapon, against myself. What if I am using sex as a means of avoiding getting close to anyone or letting anyone get close. Have I replaced emotional connections (to any man that is not a friend) with sexual pleasure.
And then there are women like Karrine Steffans
It seemed to me that Karrine Steffans used sex as a bargaining cheap, she knew that the men she was interacting with would give her what she "needed" if she gave them what they wanted, which was sex. But often times her real needs weren't financial or material, it was emotional. She used sex to get attention, friendship, acceptance, "love," the money was what they thought she wanted. Sex was a means to an end. Which seem to be the context most women are having sex under; they only have sex for what they can get out of it, and maybe that has more to do with the fact that 90 plus percent of women in the WORLD do not achieve or receive an orgasm out of sex. Under that circumstance it makes sense, but for me I would rather be getting pleasure out of sex then something financial, material, or even emotional. Its SEX!! However, there is something to be said for the use of sex as a weapon, lets be honest, a lot has been accomplished because of the "power of the pussy," but that seems so conflicting. According to some feminist the ability to have sex on your own terms (regardless of what those terms) is real sexual liberation. According to other fems, having sex for any reasons other than pleasure, desire, and procreation is not sexual liberation, its a career and entertainment for others.
So...is sex a weapon or is it used as a weapon, and which action is healthier for women?
I have sex cause I like it, but my refusal to engage in "meaningful relationships" some how taints that pleasure in societal terms, and allows me as well as others to question my motives. But that is bullshit, unless I am using sex as a shield, which is and could be an issue. But what about women like Karrine Steffans, are the feminist who consider porn, stripping, and prostitution sexual liberation right. Or are the feminist that say sex should be used for physical pleasure and reproduction, and everything else is commodification of women right? My definition of a hoe is (and has always been) a man or women who only engages in sexual actions for financial or material gains and/or reasons other than physical gratification, and that a man or woman who has sex with multiple partners is just someone who enjoys sex. However, someone that does not have control over their sexual impulses, meaning someone who uses the excuse "if she/he throwing it at me, I can only say no so many times" is also a hoe. In my opinion a hoe is someone who prostitutes themselves. This isn't sex as a weapon, it is sex as a tool, and that is not so much my concern. My concern is those emotional whores/prostitues, women who use sex to avoid emotional connections or to gain emotional connections. It seems that this is sex as weapon, on that is more likely to hurt the one using it.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
MY PLACE
"We all have a favorite place...my favorite place,...is the bathroom. It's the only place I've found that will let me be me." (Leoneda Inge-Barry, Body Outlaws) As I reflect of the massive amounts of information I have been reading over the past week, I asked myself a lot of questions and explored a lot of emotions about self-love, self-acceptance, who I am, what I represent, and where do I fall among the issues that I have been presented with (recently). The thought that I spend the most time "stressing" over is do people see me the way I want to be seen? The question in and of itself is frustrating because I shouldn't care how people perceive eve me right? For the past few years I have been living a life that most people think is way outside the norm, for a girl, and it has been both empowering and crippling. I am always trying to justify my way of thinking to others and lately I have begun to think that I am doing it more to justify it to me than to them. Which in turn has made me cling harder to "my place," my apartment. I live alone and it allows for some very interesting moments. I can be who every I want, act however I want, dress however I want, because I am at home and alone. The issue is, why is there a need for that security blanket, why can't I be as happy outside of my home as I am when I am at home, alone, naked and watching Sport Center on my couch, smiling at myself every time I pass a mirror. Why does that happy, confident, person change when I leave "my domain"? Don't get me wrong I'm still happy and confident but its different, very different. Outside those walls my happiness and confidence comes from a different place. It comes from a place of defensiveness, a wantingness to prove that I am me and proud of it. And I wonder all the time, is it just me? I love "my place," I love how I feel in "my place," I love how I look in "my place," but it is not the same when I leave and sometimes it makes me a very angry person. I use to think that I would get mean and rude because I didn't want to go to work or class or be around people who annoy me, but I have begun to think that maybe it's because I have to leave "my place." I have to put on clothes, be judged, be looked at, observed, talked about, conform, portray my beliefs. So is "my place" helpful or is it harmful, does it provide some false sense of self? Does the fact that I don't take Dat Gurl with me make me weaker or stronger? Does the fact that I don't let anyone see me cry, except her, a good thing or a bad thing? As I stated I love "my place" so regardless of the answers I am in no way ready to give it up, but how much happier/better would I be if I could take "my place" with me, or if "my place" was where ever I am because I hold something inside me?
So many questions, so much confusion, and so little energy to deal.
So many questions, so much confusion, and so little energy to deal.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
MY RANT
Ok so I feel like my first post should let you know the basic of my thoughts and views. I love me! There was no one before me, there is no one like me, and there will be no one after me! This is way I live my life for the most part and the approach I feel more people should take. In today's society people care way to much about what the hell other people think and what others have to say. Part of the reason I took a class on Body Image is because I have had my on struggles (and still struggling, please believe me) but I wanted to understand how other people view themselves as well.I mean I know I am not the only one who thinks that I am the only one dealing with BS. The way I see it though is that you gotta do you! I am a big girl, at least I consider myself to be, most people like to affectionately refer to me as "thick", that the nice way of saying I got a fat ass and big breast. So I have a special love for "thick" girls I think we are the best thing since sliced bread, but I do NOT go out of my way to make "skinny" chicks feel bad. Cause like I said I think you should do you!
The problem, however, is that society is telling everybody, especially women how to "do" them and it is driving people down right crazy. Women and girls are more emotionally unstable then they have ever been and as much as part of me would like to say it's a problem of weak minds, I've been there and the issue is deeper. I was told all my life that I was pretty, lucky, or that most girls wished they where me (by the way I'm convinced not conceded in case your were wondering, you better ask somebody) and I still ended up with an eating disorder and self-esteem issues. Needless to say I've worked through most of them, but it scares me everyday to think how easy it is to fall back into those habits. To mistake my working out to be health for working out to fit some photoshopped "idea." So....the motto is "Do you!" Like Money Mike said, "haters gone hate...let them (n's) hate!"
The problem, however, is that society is telling everybody, especially women how to "do" them and it is driving people down right crazy. Women and girls are more emotionally unstable then they have ever been and as much as part of me would like to say it's a problem of weak minds, I've been there and the issue is deeper. I was told all my life that I was pretty, lucky, or that most girls wished they where me (by the way I'm convinced not conceded in case your were wondering, you better ask somebody) and I still ended up with an eating disorder and self-esteem issues. Needless to say I've worked through most of them, but it scares me everyday to think how easy it is to fall back into those habits. To mistake my working out to be health for working out to fit some photoshopped "idea." So....the motto is "Do you!" Like Money Mike said, "haters gone hate...let them (n's) hate!"
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