I've always said, "that the lies that hurt the most are the ones we tell ourselves about the people we love," and that truth still remains evident today. But recently I've discovered that it is the lies we don't realize that we are telling that are damaging and detrimental, to the people we are lying to, which includes our self. The kind of lie I'm talking about I have named "character lying." Character lying is committed when an individual acts or portrays themselves as someone they are not, character lying is not the same as being fake or pretending to be someone else to fit in. Character lying is the person or persona we take on as a defense mechanism to deal with the hurt we have endured. The person we pretend to be so that others cannot hurt us.
Now, there is, in my opinion, nothing wrong with developing a thicker shell. I myself have created a real hard-ass to deal with men as I am getting to know them. The problem is that the hard-ass I am when they meet me is not the person I truly am, thus in essence I have lied to them significantly about who I really am. While if I determine that they are not deserving of meeting the real me then no harm no foul. But if the relationship gets serious, then what? My true nature is that of someone who is deeply emotional, easily hurt (though thanks to the hard-ass persona I developed not as easily as it once was), caring, compassionate, and honestly a little cray-cray. The hard-ass cares not at all, she does not show real emotions, and she is generally pretty harsh. (Now don't get it twisted despite all of that I myself am still funny, charming, and caring in a manner that still makes me an attractive companion) The problem lies in the guilt I feel once I develop feelings for someone, once the guard comes down, and the hard-ass is put away. Now this person has to get to know the real me and all that that in tells.
The question becomes, is that fair?
The foundation of who I am they get to know, my likes, dislikes, habits etc., it is the depth of my emotions that are hidden, the amount of attention I require, and how truly sensitive I am that I do not allow to be seen.
Well.....I don't really know if it is or is not fair, but here is what I do know. That most people never give/show all of themselves to people because of one reason or another, and that your first priority is and has to be yourself. Lying may not be the right word for what I do/did but that is how it feels, and while it may not be my fault that I developed this defense it is up to me how to use it.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Cheating = SELFISH ASS MUTHAF#*$ER
Why do people cheat?
I have heard lots of answers to this: men are genetically engineered that way, monogamy isn't natural, we are the only mammals on the planet that do monogamy and that can't be right. "My partner doesn't satisfy my needs/taste/freaky side! WTF ever!!! The reason people cheat is because we are selfish creatures. We will not and do not consider other people's feelings before our own. If we stopped for a moment to consider how we would feel if the person we love, respect, and would do anything for tap danced all over our feeling, some -not all - but some of us wouldn't commit to the act of cheating. As a matter of fact, I believe that if we stopped and thought about how we would feel if the person we are in a relationship with was doing the exact thing(s) we are doing, in the moment in which we are doing it, we wouldn't do a lot of hurtful shit. Like have phone/text conversations at inappropriate hours with persons of the opposite sex that are NOT family. We wouldn't flirt with people we are attracted to when our significant other is not around.
Now that I think about it, if we acted like our girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse was watching us at all times we would be better girlfriends/boyfriends/spouses all together!
And don't give me that..."I just wanna let my hair down/let loose sometimes BULLSHIT! Because in all honesty if your relationship is built on the right foundation, then your "boo" should be one of your closest friends anyway. Meaning that you should be able to have fun and be yourself in their presence. But if that self, is a selfish asshole who flirts with anything and everything then you probably shouldn't be in a relationship any-damn-way.
Ideally, when you are in a relationship your behavior should change anyway, so the "single-life" lifestyle and activities need to be laid to REST! So with or without your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse around you should be acting the same or very similar!
Personally, I would prefer that if you meet someone is that is better than me in anyway, to a degree that you give this person that much of your time and energy then just let me know and you can go be with that person. But this "have my cake and eat it too" situation is NOT gonna work. If I'm not doing something or giving you something that you NEED, either let me know and give me the chance to try or leave me be. But don't cheat or hurt my feelings or damage my self-esteem, and give me trust issues because you aren't a decent enough person to consider my feelings; by breaking up with me before you get emotionally involved with another individual, and crushing what I believed to be was my "happy world."
I have heard lots of answers to this: men are genetically engineered that way, monogamy isn't natural, we are the only mammals on the planet that do monogamy and that can't be right. "My partner doesn't satisfy my needs/taste/freaky side! WTF ever!!! The reason people cheat is because we are selfish creatures. We will not and do not consider other people's feelings before our own. If we stopped for a moment to consider how we would feel if the person we love, respect, and would do anything for tap danced all over our feeling, some -not all - but some of us wouldn't commit to the act of cheating. As a matter of fact, I believe that if we stopped and thought about how we would feel if the person we are in a relationship with was doing the exact thing(s) we are doing, in the moment in which we are doing it, we wouldn't do a lot of hurtful shit. Like have phone/text conversations at inappropriate hours with persons of the opposite sex that are NOT family. We wouldn't flirt with people we are attracted to when our significant other is not around.
Now that I think about it, if we acted like our girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse was watching us at all times we would be better girlfriends/boyfriends/spouses all together!
And don't give me that..."I just wanna let my hair down/let loose sometimes BULLSHIT! Because in all honesty if your relationship is built on the right foundation, then your "boo" should be one of your closest friends anyway. Meaning that you should be able to have fun and be yourself in their presence. But if that self, is a selfish asshole who flirts with anything and everything then you probably shouldn't be in a relationship any-damn-way.
Ideally, when you are in a relationship your behavior should change anyway, so the "single-life" lifestyle and activities need to be laid to REST! So with or without your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse around you should be acting the same or very similar!
Personally, I would prefer that if you meet someone is that is better than me in anyway, to a degree that you give this person that much of your time and energy then just let me know and you can go be with that person. But this "have my cake and eat it too" situation is NOT gonna work. If I'm not doing something or giving you something that you NEED, either let me know and give me the chance to try or leave me be. But don't cheat or hurt my feelings or damage my self-esteem, and give me trust issues because you aren't a decent enough person to consider my feelings; by breaking up with me before you get emotionally involved with another individual, and crushing what I believed to be was my "happy world."
Friday, June 17, 2011
Questions
You ever wonder where things like drive, self-discipline , confidence, etc. come from? Like how is it that some people have it in spades and others have absolutely none. The assumption would have to be that it is nature or nurture, right? That someone instills it in you or you are just born with it. But can you be born with an aversion to those types of qualities? I have said/expressed a few times that I was raised to believe in my self. Not that I was always given positive feedback about my abilities, intellect, or appearance, but the majority of what I can recall was positive and still is. Why then, do I have days like today (June 17, 2011) where I feel like I am so much less then I felt yesterday?
The first thing that comes to mind is at eleven-something last night my boyfriend got up and went to bed - because he has to get up early - while I was on the phone with a friend who was having a hard time, only to be laying there having a text conversation with a female. So I went to bed feeling...? Slightly betrayed, I guess. I literally fell asleep think how inappropriate it is to be talking to someone of the opposite sex that late, how would he feel if I was doing the same, and was I making unfounded assumptions. I woke up feeling suspicious of his actions and like considering how long we've been together and my unset of PMS (coupled with some bouts with clinical depression) that we have probably reached the point where he starts to realize that I'm not so great. It seems to happen around the year mark, when the great things about my personality start to get overshadowed by my issues, i.e. lack of self-esteem, constant need for reassurance, and inability to trust. Which has lead me to wonder about the question I posed at the start of this entry. How is it that for everything I do have that my self and most people find to be admirable qualities, I have the self-esteem of a 400lb person bed bound, with acne and acne scars, and unsightly teeth.
Why was I doing so well before I got into a serious relationship and now I'm back where I started? Is it the lack of having someone that makes it easier to cope? Does being in a relationship, i.e. having something to lose, make you question the weapons you have to fight with? Seems I have more questions than I do answers these days. By now I would have thought my way through to some type of solution, would have figured out some way to make me feel better, lately writing through my issues and emotions has on left me with tears and feeling very empty. Today is no different and I am left with a question I thought I had answered almost two years ago. How do I get back to being that Tosha I am capable of being?
The first thing that comes to mind is at eleven-something last night my boyfriend got up and went to bed - because he has to get up early - while I was on the phone with a friend who was having a hard time, only to be laying there having a text conversation with a female. So I went to bed feeling...? Slightly betrayed, I guess. I literally fell asleep think how inappropriate it is to be talking to someone of the opposite sex that late, how would he feel if I was doing the same, and was I making unfounded assumptions. I woke up feeling suspicious of his actions and like considering how long we've been together and my unset of PMS (coupled with some bouts with clinical depression) that we have probably reached the point where he starts to realize that I'm not so great. It seems to happen around the year mark, when the great things about my personality start to get overshadowed by my issues, i.e. lack of self-esteem, constant need for reassurance, and inability to trust. Which has lead me to wonder about the question I posed at the start of this entry. How is it that for everything I do have that my self and most people find to be admirable qualities, I have the self-esteem of a 400lb person bed bound, with acne and acne scars, and unsightly teeth.
Why was I doing so well before I got into a serious relationship and now I'm back where I started? Is it the lack of having someone that makes it easier to cope? Does being in a relationship, i.e. having something to lose, make you question the weapons you have to fight with? Seems I have more questions than I do answers these days. By now I would have thought my way through to some type of solution, would have figured out some way to make me feel better, lately writing through my issues and emotions has on left me with tears and feeling very empty. Today is no different and I am left with a question I thought I had answered almost two years ago. How do I get back to being that Tosha I am capable of being?
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Love Will NEVER Be Enough
You know what I think causes people, girls in particular, to harden themselves or to become guarded?
The fact that they loved someone with all the had; trusted that the person they loved, loved them for who they are (were) and for what they had to give and it turned out that....it wasn't enough. Maybe they loved to easily or weren't good judges of character but that doesn't change the facts or their belief, that if the person liked them as person and they were loving and accepting in return, that they never should have been hurt. The person who claimed to have loved them shouldn't have lied to them, whether by direct lying, omission or half-truths.
Love really and truly isn't enough! There has to be equal parts love, respect, and concern for the other person's feelings for a relationship to work. That's probably why people that are friends first end up in lasting relationships. We are a lot less inclined to hurt our friends because we have gotten to know them enough that we care deeply about their feelings and we also know the things that would be considered hurtful to them. Love all by itself isn't enough!
That's part of what helps build those feelings of doubt and insecurity; the knowing that you can give a person your whole heart and some times without a moments pause they will do things that shatter it to dust. We care so little about the person we are in a relationships with feelings. We hardly ever stop to think how we would feel on the receiving end of what we are about to do, and that's why love isn't enough! There has to be a willingness that becomes almost instinctual to put the person's feelings before our own for it to last, for it to work. If that isn't the case then it isn't real, it's just not! So there it is, my standard of measurement for knowing if I'm ready to go all in, at least one measurement. I have to have other measurements because, I'm someone who knows it is possible to love someone with every fiber of your being without the barest hint that they even give a damn about you as human being. I give that consideration naturally. Because I know pain, real soul bleeding pain, the kind that when your heart breaks it literally physically takes your breath away. The kind of pain that has you forgetting when you last ate. The kind of pain that turns you into an empty shell, going through routine motions.
I truly hope I would never cause anyone even a tenth of that pain, but I did. And at times I still try to justify it but the truth is, I only considered his feelings as an after thought. Nothing was ever more important than my own feelings, in both family and non-family relationships, which made me a beyond selfish ass person. With that understanding I have never again and I will make ever attempt to never again do that, but what does it mean for my ability to believe in lasting love? Are my scars too deep? Does not knowing or having witnessed a single marriage that has not been infected by infidelity make me a un-trusting, cynical, once upon a time hopeless romantic who will never truly FALL in love again? Will my insecurities always plague me? Will I ever be loved the way I was once capable of loving or be capable of loving that way again?
I would love and cherish answers to these questions.
The fact that they loved someone with all the had; trusted that the person they loved, loved them for who they are (were) and for what they had to give and it turned out that....it wasn't enough. Maybe they loved to easily or weren't good judges of character but that doesn't change the facts or their belief, that if the person liked them as person and they were loving and accepting in return, that they never should have been hurt. The person who claimed to have loved them shouldn't have lied to them, whether by direct lying, omission or half-truths.
Love really and truly isn't enough! There has to be equal parts love, respect, and concern for the other person's feelings for a relationship to work. That's probably why people that are friends first end up in lasting relationships. We are a lot less inclined to hurt our friends because we have gotten to know them enough that we care deeply about their feelings and we also know the things that would be considered hurtful to them. Love all by itself isn't enough!
That's part of what helps build those feelings of doubt and insecurity; the knowing that you can give a person your whole heart and some times without a moments pause they will do things that shatter it to dust. We care so little about the person we are in a relationships with feelings. We hardly ever stop to think how we would feel on the receiving end of what we are about to do, and that's why love isn't enough! There has to be a willingness that becomes almost instinctual to put the person's feelings before our own for it to last, for it to work. If that isn't the case then it isn't real, it's just not! So there it is, my standard of measurement for knowing if I'm ready to go all in, at least one measurement. I have to have other measurements because, I'm someone who knows it is possible to love someone with every fiber of your being without the barest hint that they even give a damn about you as human being. I give that consideration naturally. Because I know pain, real soul bleeding pain, the kind that when your heart breaks it literally physically takes your breath away. The kind of pain that has you forgetting when you last ate. The kind of pain that turns you into an empty shell, going through routine motions.
I truly hope I would never cause anyone even a tenth of that pain, but I did. And at times I still try to justify it but the truth is, I only considered his feelings as an after thought. Nothing was ever more important than my own feelings, in both family and non-family relationships, which made me a beyond selfish ass person. With that understanding I have never again and I will make ever attempt to never again do that, but what does it mean for my ability to believe in lasting love? Are my scars too deep? Does not knowing or having witnessed a single marriage that has not been infected by infidelity make me a un-trusting, cynical, once upon a time hopeless romantic who will never truly FALL in love again? Will my insecurities always plague me? Will I ever be loved the way I was once capable of loving or be capable of loving that way again?
I would love and cherish answers to these questions.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Work In Progress..."Esteem of your muthf*ckin self"
OK...so looks like my blog is about to take on the online journal persona, if it hasn't already.
There are times when my confidence is THROUGH THE ROOF and there are times when it has bottomed out on the 7th level of Hell. I am very much use to these highs and lows, but currently I am in a relationship and having low self-esteem is a "relationship killer," so my lows worry me more now than when I was single, because I know that I am more that capable of projecting my insecurities onto him. However, I am now and have always been honest with him about my issues, as I like to call them. So when he adds his external "match" to my internal "powder keg"...THERE SHE BLOWS! Bouncing back from these instances are so much harder then just regular ole self-doubt. In this particular situation I am starting to doubt (again) weather or not I am really ready to be in a relationship.
It is common knowledge (of the well informed anyway) that you should not get into a relationship if you 1)still have a single person's mentality and 2) if you do not have your own sh*t together, i.e. financially, emotionally, and mentally. It was my belief at one time that I had conquered those things, but the deeper my feelings for him get the closer to the surface my insecurities rise.
So what in the heck do I do?
I mean this is a serious relationship I'm in, we are talking long term future type stuff, so cutting and running seems more selfish than I believe I am. Usually, I have some kind of "ahhhaha" moment by now.I know he is a stick with me kinda guy, but that doesn't seem fair either. Him being "all in" and I'm sticking my toes in the water still testing/feeling things out. Maybe I'm making a foofaraw (word of the day)out of the situation. Maybe I just need to work twice as hard on loving me and liking me as I did when I was single. Maybe...may be?
There are times when my confidence is THROUGH THE ROOF and there are times when it has bottomed out on the 7th level of Hell. I am very much use to these highs and lows, but currently I am in a relationship and having low self-esteem is a "relationship killer," so my lows worry me more now than when I was single, because I know that I am more that capable of projecting my insecurities onto him. However, I am now and have always been honest with him about my issues, as I like to call them. So when he adds his external "match" to my internal "powder keg"...THERE SHE BLOWS! Bouncing back from these instances are so much harder then just regular ole self-doubt. In this particular situation I am starting to doubt (again) weather or not I am really ready to be in a relationship.
It is common knowledge (of the well informed anyway) that you should not get into a relationship if you 1)still have a single person's mentality and 2) if you do not have your own sh*t together, i.e. financially, emotionally, and mentally. It was my belief at one time that I had conquered those things, but the deeper my feelings for him get the closer to the surface my insecurities rise.
So what in the heck do I do?
I mean this is a serious relationship I'm in, we are talking long term future type stuff, so cutting and running seems more selfish than I believe I am. Usually, I have some kind of "ahhhaha" moment by now.I know he is a stick with me kinda guy, but that doesn't seem fair either. Him being "all in" and I'm sticking my toes in the water still testing/feeling things out. Maybe I'm making a foofaraw (word of the day)out of the situation. Maybe I just need to work twice as hard on loving me and liking me as I did when I was single. Maybe...may be?
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Changing
One of the major changes in my life is that I am celibate, fourteen (14) months and counting. It is a commitment that I am very proud of, especially considering how much I TRULY like and enjoy sex. The decision was made after a combination of events, neither more significant then the other, that made me realize that for the past 6 years or so I did not have what I wanted because I was undeserving of it. As Lyfe Jennings would say I was a nickle looking for a dime. I realized, that I had to become the person I want to find. Which is NOT the same as becoming someone you're not to please someone else, I'm not trying to fit some mold. I'm.....well I'm being a better me! I'm celibate because I want more than "a zip-less fuck," I want passion - erotic, sensual amazing, fun, loving SEX! I'm losing wait and getting in-shape because I want to enjoy my life and because I want someone who is attractive and in-shape. I'm working on my relationship with God, because if I don't have that I don't have anything and all other relationships won't reach their full potential, etc. I'm growing and changing both naturally and intentionally and I am even more uncompromising, I have my standards and requirements SET! It's work! It take effort, discipline, commitment, focus, and will power to do or not do certain things because temptation is everywhere. Don't get it twisted, I'm still the sexually empowered woman I've always been! Though it took me a second to realize that one. I almost let myself think that I had lost my sexual liberation because I wasn't getting any, but it was a short lived air-head moment. Because being celibate is the ultimate example (in my opinion b.k.a the only one that matters) of control of one's sex life. I truly say who, where, when, how, how many, and how often. I control my urges they do not control me.
However, the questions of who and when becomes more complicated than before. Before it was get in, get off, and make him get out, now the who is more important because of the level of intimacy I want and the when is more important because it would be tragic to have true feelings for someone and not be sexually compatible. I'm honest enough with myself to know that loving someone is not enough to stop you from finding sexual gratification elsewhere or being really unhappy (eventually) because your unfulfilled. As strange as this may be to some, the decision to be celibate was the starting block for all the other changes I made. I figured if I could do that then losing weight, eating better, nurturing my relationship with God, not compromising for fear of loneliness were just as do-able. I guess it's not really important what motivates you so long as what drives you is deeper. My motivations were by no means 'major' but I am driven by faith, my grandmother's dreams for me, and my love for myself.
Changing and changes have allowed me to be HAPPY truly happy with myself, for the first time in a long time. It is so easy to say you love yourself, but just like any other love it has to be re-enforced with ACTION. I said I did but I wasn't showing myself I loved me and that is one of the most important things celibacy and other changes have allowed be to do. So don't be afraid of change. Do things you've said you where gonna do, stop TALKING about what you want to do and do it. Lose that 10 lbs, eat better, go to church more, call that guy, go out, buy the dress, get the hair cut, move, stop cursing, etc. what ever it is just DO IT! It really could change your entire life.
However, the questions of who and when becomes more complicated than before. Before it was get in, get off, and make him get out, now the who is more important because of the level of intimacy I want and the when is more important because it would be tragic to have true feelings for someone and not be sexually compatible. I'm honest enough with myself to know that loving someone is not enough to stop you from finding sexual gratification elsewhere or being really unhappy (eventually) because your unfulfilled. As strange as this may be to some, the decision to be celibate was the starting block for all the other changes I made. I figured if I could do that then losing weight, eating better, nurturing my relationship with God, not compromising for fear of loneliness were just as do-able. I guess it's not really important what motivates you so long as what drives you is deeper. My motivations were by no means 'major' but I am driven by faith, my grandmother's dreams for me, and my love for myself.
Changing and changes have allowed me to be HAPPY truly happy with myself, for the first time in a long time. It is so easy to say you love yourself, but just like any other love it has to be re-enforced with ACTION. I said I did but I wasn't showing myself I loved me and that is one of the most important things celibacy and other changes have allowed be to do. So don't be afraid of change. Do things you've said you where gonna do, stop TALKING about what you want to do and do it. Lose that 10 lbs, eat better, go to church more, call that guy, go out, buy the dress, get the hair cut, move, stop cursing, etc. what ever it is just DO IT! It really could change your entire life.
Welcom Back
Well hello.
It has been a VERY long time since my last post, I have been on quite a journey and unfortunately I didn't take the time to write and share it, and there is no way I could transcribe it now. I will however say that I am happier then I have ever been, as far as my memory recalls, with the exception of losing my grandmother. I think it was through the unimaginable pain of her lose that the phoenix rose from the ashes. Losing my grandmother I very nearly lost my identity, because everything I did and everything I was, was due in large part to who she believed I was and/or could be. I did whatever it took to make her happy and proud and those thing defined who I was. I'm not saying I believe that through her death I was able to become who I really wanted to be, but I did realize the importance of being true to myself. Thankfully for me, none of what my grandmother wanted as detrimental. Anyway, though I miss her more than I even knew was possible I am glad her suffering is over and I know she is proud of the women I am becoming, because she wanted nothing more in this world then for her "pretty girl" to be happy.
With that said, I really am happy! I finally feel like I'm living my life and not waiting for it to begin, and that is an AMAZING feeling.
It has been a VERY long time since my last post, I have been on quite a journey and unfortunately I didn't take the time to write and share it, and there is no way I could transcribe it now. I will however say that I am happier then I have ever been, as far as my memory recalls, with the exception of losing my grandmother. I think it was through the unimaginable pain of her lose that the phoenix rose from the ashes. Losing my grandmother I very nearly lost my identity, because everything I did and everything I was, was due in large part to who she believed I was and/or could be. I did whatever it took to make her happy and proud and those thing defined who I was. I'm not saying I believe that through her death I was able to become who I really wanted to be, but I did realize the importance of being true to myself. Thankfully for me, none of what my grandmother wanted as detrimental. Anyway, though I miss her more than I even knew was possible I am glad her suffering is over and I know she is proud of the women I am becoming, because she wanted nothing more in this world then for her "pretty girl" to be happy.
With that said, I really am happy! I finally feel like I'm living my life and not waiting for it to begin, and that is an AMAZING feeling.
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